After Losing a Pet

The loss of a beloved pet is often followed by intense sorrow and grief. Too often people feel (or are made to feel by others) that their reactions are abnormal or exaggerated. They may receive the message that "it's just a dog" or "you can get another one". While those who say this may be well meaning, nothing could be further from the truth. Research has shown that most pet owners consider their pets to be a member of their family. Would anyone consider telling a person that lost a family member, "You can get another one?" Our pets are individuals with their own personalities, quirks, likes, and dislikes, and funny ways. They are not replaceable pieces. While getting a new puppy or kitten can sometimes help to soften our sorrow, you need to consider whether it would be best to give yourself time to grieve your loss first. Otherwise you might find yourself comparing your new pet to the lost one. You might feel you have made a mistake. But the new pet can't possibly compete with the relationship you had built over time with your old pet.

To be filled with grief is painful and difficult, but when you lose a pet, it is often a very normal reaction. At such a time there are some things you can do for yourself to help ease your way through it. Understanding your grief reaction can help you cope with it. There are books that deal with this topic. An excellent one is "When Your Pet Dies," by Jamie Quackenbush, M.S.W. and Denise Graveline. Rituals are often an important part of mourning. They help to acknowledge a loss has occurred and to pay respect to the wonderful memory of your pet. Rituals could be anything from a service with friends to remember your pet, to an arrangement of photos and your pet's favorite toys on a shelf, to a donation to your favorite charity in your pet's name. Rituals such as these can help start the process of working through your grief.

The support of others is also important in coming to terms with your loss. It is just as important to avoid people who don't understand the nature of the bond between you and your pet. Seek out other pet owners among your friends who are likely to be most sympathetic to your loss. Some Humane Societies have established support groups for those who have lost a pet. Additionally, university veterinary schools may have pet grief counselors on staff. Look for resources in your area to provide the support and empathy you need.

Unfortunately there is no time limit to grief. The lifting of grief is a gradual process that takes it's own time. However, should you find yourself becoming depressed or if the grief does not abate, you might want to consider seeking out professional help. More likely you will slowly begin to experience moments when the loss is not so sharply painful. These moments become longer and you can remember the good times you experienced with your pet without intense grief. You may start to realize it's time for a new pet in your life. Not to replace someone who can never be replaced, but to add joy and love that pets bring to your life once more. And having been through the grief process yourself, in the future you may be able to reach out and help someone who is feeling what you are today.

Lisa Bridgewater, Ph.D.